Hunted Down

I just got back from vacation. Oh yeah it was great! Thanks for asking...dicks

Anyway, when I go on a trip, I take a break from everything outside of the details of the trip I am on. I don't answer phone calls, I won't return texts...you get the point. I just feel that meaning of a vacation is to get away and forget all of the hustle and bustle of everyday life. That's exactly what I intended to do and I accomplished that.

With that aside, let me give you a little insight for the following story. I used to date this guy named Jake. He's a good friend and a pretty nice boyfriend type, but I just wasn't that into him. He started dropping the L bomb and calling 50 times a day and I can't handle that kind of pressure. So we had stopped seeing each other about a month or so ago.

While I was on vacation, Jake called me about 3 times a day, and like I said above...I don't answer calls on vacation. I guess this made him a little angry....
Sunday, I'm sitting on my couch just wasting time, I had just returned home from Virginia and enjoying some "me" time, when all of a sudden Jake's car pulls into the driveway. Shit! (This is where my genius mind starts kicking in...not) I didn't want to see or talk to him, so I thought to myself, I'll just hide in the bathroom until he goes away. Brilliant idea, emmiright? Most of the time when people want to enter a home, they knock. But OH NO, not Jake, Jake just walks right inside my house. I am just slipping into the bathroom and I hear him start tearing through my house. I mean opening every door, checking ever room...searching for Lil ole me. What the fuck is this kid thinking!? Where is my cell phone? Oh yeah...that's right I left it on the floor while I was avoiding Jake's calls. My bad! Anyway, after he checks all the rooms...minus the bathroom where I am...I hear what sounds like my back door open and then close. I let out a sigh thinking that the mayhem was over, until I heard a familiar cell phone noise I knew hadn't come from my own. That sneaky bastard pretended like he left to see if I was hiding! What a psycho!
Now I could have come out of the bathroom, and pretended like I just didn't hear him come in and I was doing some business...I could have, but I didn't. Instead I thought, hmmm...I'll just jump into the shower in case he opens the door, that way...it looks like nobody was ever in here. Brilliant, yet again!!!...I am such an idiot.
Back to the hunt! Jake is at it again, this time he is checking every inch of every room. He's entering everything...the closets, the laundry room, and then the bathroom. So of course, I'm a little nervous, I mean its not everyday your ex boyfriend breaks into your house and searches for you. But some inch of me still believes I'm safe, I mean I am inside of my bathroom, in the shower, with the lights off. Like he's gonna find me....shiiiiiiiit. Jake flips on the lights and opens the curtain and the conversation goes something like this...

Jake- "THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS!!!"

Me- "What is?" right Jess, because normal people sit in their showers with the lights off...

Jake- "Only guilty people hide in the shower!" *rages*

Me- "What the hell do I have to be guilty for? Only fucking crazy people hunt other people down in their own houses!"

Now, I'm much more of a lover than a fighter, and my mind was complete sludge due to the fact that my brilliant hiding place had failed to reach the mark. I had no idea what to say...I mean he did have a right to be mad, but not THIS mad. Here's my next brilliant move...

Jake- "You want to know why you get dicked over? Because you dick everyone else over!"

Me- "What!? Who dicks me over?"

Genius statement Jess, not only have you openly admitted to totally fucking Jake over, but now I had to go and get all cocky...I'm amazing, I know.

Regardless, I had an awesome welcome back party with Jake...right after he went crazy and hunted me down, to answering his phone call later surprising me with the sweetest boy on the other end asking for his things back. My mind is jell-o right now...and that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Who dicks me over?